Jake was on his deathbed while his wife, Becky, maintained a steady vigil by his side. As she held his fragile hand, her warm tears ran silently down her face, splashed onto his, and roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to quiver with sound.
"My darling Becky," he whispered.
"Hush, my love," she said. "Go back to sleep Shhh! Don't talk."
But he was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice. "I have to talk. I have something I must confess to you."
"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky. "It's all right. Everything's all right, go to sleep now."
"No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I slept with your sister, your best friend and our next door neighbor."
Becky mustered a pained smile and stroked his hand. "Hush now Jake, don't torment yourself. I know all about it," she said. "Why do you think I poisoned you?"
A Man Who Said No « Result #3 on Mar 13, 2009, 2:23am »
A friend of mine noticed a man staggering about in the Times Square subway station. A well-dressed Wall Street type, his coat was unbuttoned, a briefcase dangled from his hand and he'd obviously had one too many.
¡¡¡¡Asked if he was all right, the man gave a slurred but affirmative response. However, my friend simply could not see someone brave the rough maw of a New York subway without trying to help. He followed the chap, and again asked, "Are you sure you're all right? What subway are you looking for? Do you need help getting home?"
¡¡¡¡At last, the object of his attentions snarled, in a low voice, "Leave me alone! I'm an undercover cop!"
A rather well built woman, Joan, spent almost all of her vacation time sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. The first day she sunbathed, she wore a red bathing suit. However on the second day, she felt a little more adventurous. She slipped out of it in order to get an overall tan figuring that no one could see her way up there. She'd hardly began when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.
"Excuse me, miss," said a flustered little (out of breath) assistant manager of the hotel. "The Hilton doesn't mind you sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate you wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday!"
"What difference does it make", Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here on the roof and besides, I'm covered with a towel."
"With all due respect, not exactly ma'am," said the embarrassed little man. "You are lying on the dining room skylight."
I£¬You and she « Result #5 on Mar 13, 2009, 2:23am »
Peter was a clever boy. On his first day at school, he learned three words: 1, You and She. The teacher taught him how to make sentences with those words. The teacher said," I, I am your teacher; (then pointing to a girl) She, She is your classmate; You, You are my student.
¡¡¡¡When Peter went home, his father asked him what he had learned at school. Peter said at once, " I, I am your teacher; (then pointing to his mother) She, She is your classmate; You, You are my student His father got angry and said, "I, I am your father; (then pointing to his wife) She, She is your mother; You, You are my son.
¡¡¡¡The next morning at school, the teacher asked Peter if he had learned the three words by heart. "Yes," he said proudly, "I, I am your father; (then pointing to a girl) She, She is your mother; You, You are my son."
Innocent Knitting « Result #6 on Mar 13, 2009, 2:23am »
A policeman was patrolling a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on. There was a young man in the driver's seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat knitting. He stopped to investigate. He walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young man looked up, cranked the window down, and said, "Yes Officer?"
"What are you doing?" the policeman asked.
"What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I'm reading this magazine."
Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked, "And what is she doing?"
The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "What does it look like? She's knitting."
"And how old are you?" the officer then asked the young man.
"I'm nineteen," he replied.
"And how old is she?" asked the officer.
The young man looked at his watch and said, "Well, in about twelve minutes she'll be sixteen."
A Short Holiday « Result #7 on Mar 13, 2009, 2:23am »
Alan worked in an office in the city. He worked very hard and really looked forward to his holidays.
¡¡¡¡He usually went to the seaside, but one year he saw an ad in a newspaper "Enjoy country life. Spend a few weeks at Willow Farm. Good food, fresh air, horse riding, walking, fishing. Reasonable prices ."
¡¡¡¡" This sounds like a good idea." he thought, " I' 11 spend a month at Willow Farm. I'll enjoy horse riding, walking and fishing. They'll make a change from sitting by the seaside.
¡¡¡¡Four days later he returned home.
¡¡¡¡"What' s wrong with Willow Farm ?" his friend asked him. " Didn't you enjoy country life ?"
¡¡¡¡"Country life was fine," Alan said." But there was another problem.
¡¡¡¡"Oh, what?"
¡¡¡¡Well, the first day I was there a sheep died, and we had roast lamb for dinner.
¡¡¡¡“Fresh meat is the best.”_"I know, but on the second day a cow died, and we had roast beef for dinner. "
¡¡¡¡"Lucky you!"
¡¡¡¡"You don't understand," Alan said." On the third day a pig died and we had roast pork for dinner."
¡¡¡¡" A different roast every day." Jack exclaimed.
¡¡¡¡"Let me finish," Alan said." On the fourth day the farmer died and I didn't dare stay for dinner!"
Trip To Europe « Result #8 on Mar 13, 2009, 2:23am »
A beautiful young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young sailor stopped her.
"You have so much to live for," said the sailor. "Look, I¡¯m off to Europe tomorrow and I can stow you away on my ship. I¡¯ll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."
With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Europe, the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches and make love to her until dawn.
Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.
"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Europe. Plus he¡¯s screwing me."
"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry".
Violin Lessons « Result #9 on Mar 13, 2009, 2:23am »
"Daddy, can I learn to play the violin?" young Sarah asked her father. She was always asking for things and her father was not very pleased.
¡¡¡¡"You cost me a lot of money, Sarah," he said. "First you wanted to learn horse riding, then dancing, then swimming. Now it's the violin.
¡¡¡¡"I'll play every day ,Daddy." Sarah said. "I'll try very hard.
¡¡¡¡"All right," her father said. "This is what I'll do. I'll pay for you to have lessons for six weeks. At the end of six weeks you must play something for me. If you play well, you can have more lessons. If you play badly, I will stop the lessons."
¡¡¡¡"0. K. Daddy," Sarah said. "That is fair.
¡¡¡¡He soon found a good violin teacher and Sarah began her lessons. The teacher was very expensive, but her father kept his promise.
¡¡¡¡The six weeks passed quickly. The time came for Sarah to play for her father.
¡¡¡¡She went to the living room and said, "I'm ready to play for you, Daddy.
¡¡¡¡"Fine, Sarah," her father said. "Begin.
¡¡¡¡She began to play. She played very badly. She made a terrible noise.
¡¡¡¡Her father had one of his friends with him, and the friend put his hands over his ears.
¡¡¡¡When Sarah finished, her father said, "Well done, Sarah. You can have more lessons."
¡¡¡¡Sarah ran happily out of the room. Her father's friend turned to him. "You've spent a lot of money, but she still plays very badly. he said.
¡¡¡¡"Well, that's true," her father said. "But since she started learning the violin I've been able to buy five apartments in this build very cheaply. In another six weeks I'll own the whole building!"
Three young women are at a cocktail party. The conversation turns to their position in life and it's clear that they are trying to one-up each other.
The first one says, "My husband is taking me to the French Riviera for two weeks on vacation," and then looks at the others with a superior demeanor.
The second one says, "Well, my husband just bought me a new Mercedes," and looks about with considerable pride.
Number three says, "Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we don't have much money and we don't have any material possessions. However, one thing I can tell you about my husband is that thirteen canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder on his erect penis."
After this, the first one looks shamefaced and says, "Girls, I've got a confession to make. I was just trying to impress you. You know that vacation I was telling you about? Well, it's not to the French Riviera, it's to my parents house for two weeks."
The second one says, "Your honesty has shamed me. It's not a Mercedes, he bought me a Plymouth."
"Well," the third one says, "I also have a confession to make, canary number thirteen has to stand on one leg!"
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